Failure

Please send me the rejection email now. Please dry out the remaining drops of hope that water my doubt and yet I'm quite sure this is completely pointless.

There are two types of failures. One is called failing short - that is, not achieving the ultimate goal but the result is still far above the standards, like failing to get a perfect score in an exam but still, a high score. The other one is simply called failing. There are no grey areas. The standard is a thin red line that separates success and failure. That is what is happening to me right now. I just failed, simply failed.

When you assess failure, you live back the days, the hours, the minutes when you were preparing and actually doing that something.

You remember your long sleeves, the clean waxed hair, the shiny leather shoes, the grey pants. You feel again the soft office chair, the long table, the windows. You see them again, four, five, six people in a panel. You hear them ask and you hear yourself answer. You're back in your interview and how from a stiff question-answer type, you managed to turn things around and make it a simple conversation. You actually enjoyed your stay in that room and wished you could have talked longer with the managers, supervisors, vice-presidents. You had a very good time. You think you impressed them and you go back home positive and happy.

And then I waited.

It has been two weeks. At this moment, I shouldn't be worrying about my status since the past four interviews were more than two weeks apart. Yes, four - the last one was the last and final, end stage. If I pass, I get hired. In that stage, there were only two of us, as judged by the number of evaluation forms each member of the panel held. I should be quite proud - from hundreds of resumes down to the last two. But after a whirlpool of boredom and self-satisfaction, I found out that the other guy was hired.

Where does that put me?

So I assessed my failure. I tried to look where in that seemingly perfect setting I failed. However, it becomes most frustrating when you can't point out where. It is frustrating because as a part of moving on, you try not to repeat the things that made you fail and make yourself  a better person next time. But since you can't, what will you do?

I try to think I was just not the better person that morning. That even though the payback is heavy, I just failed short - the other, more consoling type of failure. That I was at my best, but my best was not better than the other guy's best.

I try to look at it that way - the slightly more positive way. Even though at the back of my mind, the many other ways tell me, I still failed.